The Great Soulmate Debate

During lunch with a single friend this weekend, she shared that she'd been to a recent seminar about how to attract one's "soulmate." She was enthused by what she'd learned there, and felt that she was now open to more dating possibilities. She said that the presenter described a soulmate as the "one person in the world meant for you", and that they'd said you can find love outside of a relationship with your soulmate, but that it will never be as satisfying. She expressed excitement at the prospect of having a relationship with someone about whom she'd have "no doubts" - someone so desirable that she'd feel incredibly lucky to be chosen by him.

I don't want to discourage her or sound like I have all the answers (don't I wish!), but I'm worried that the entire premise of such a "soulmate" is misleading . . .

I've had several experiences with love (always beginning with a healthy dose of infatuation) in which I was absolutely certain - beyond a shadow of a doubt - that I had found my "soulmate." Eventually, those relationships ended, and I had to face the fact that I was entirely wrong about how well-suited we were for each other. I began to revise my thinking about what constitutes a healthy and lasting relationship, and how such a relationship is fostered.

Enter Peter. We'd been friends for years - since college days - and I believed that I would never be physically attracted to him. Not that he's not good-looking (I'm happy to say that he is!) - I just didn't think he was my "type" (my "type" apparently being self-absorbed jerks who didn't value me). So he was out of the dating picture as far as I was concerned. But when he re-entered my life we hung out together as friends for months, seeing each other as often as 2-3 times a week.

When I felt the first stirrings of physical attraction, my first reaction was "Dear God! There must be something wrong with me! I'm attracted to PETER!" After some reflection (and a couple of Xanax - jk!), I realized that in those months we'd spent together, he had become my closest friend. I loved his quick wit, his intellectual curiosity, his commitment to self-improvement and his loyalty to those he loves. I had come to trust and respect him - and slowly, quietly, to love him for the wonderful individual he was/is. And I knew in my heart that he loved me, too. Ironic (and perhaps lucky) that it wasn't until our friendship was well-grounded and that love was already growing in my heart that the infatuation finally decided to show up!

Though the infatuation has long since faded (not the passion! *wink, wink*), I love him more now than ever - and I do feel incredibly lucky that he chose me.

Here is where the debate begins . . . how does one know beyond a shadow of a doubt that someone is "the one person in the world meant for them?" My concern is that this theory invalidates good relationships by suggesting that if one of the persons involved experiences doubt, or dissatisfaction with any aspect of the relationship (which I think must happen at some point in even the healthiest of relationships), they must be with the wrong person, and encouraging what could be a fruitless and damaging search for "the one" who will fulfill all of their dreams.

My own theory is that there are many potential "soulmates" for each person, and the trick is to learn to accept each other as flawed human beings and to choose every day to love, support and encourage each other through the joys and heartaches of life. I honestly believe that shared values and dreams built on a foundation of trust and friendship are the ultimate criteria for a happy and lasting marriage - which means that (theoretically, at least) more than one person could fit the bill. I think that the most important thing is for both persons to be wholly committed to investing the every-day energy that a healthy relationship requires: really listening when the beloved speaks, setting aside "quality time" to spend together, choosing to ignore a behavior that annoys you, resisting the urge to bite their head off when you've had a rough day . . . you get the idea.

I didn't "find" my soulmate, I chose him - and I intend to go on choosing him in times of uncertainty and dissatisfaction as well as in times of unquestioning joy and fulfillment . . .

OK (*climbing off soapbox*), you've had my two cents' worth. Time for you to weigh in!